You can pick different levels of help, from "give me an idea to write about" to "let's be besties for three months and talk all the time about my writing." I chose one of the cheaper options: read one of my stories, line-edit it, and give me a 1-2 page analysis. I ended up with Blake Kimzey, who wasn't listed as one of the editors, but whatever. I didn't care. My main goal was to get the answer to one question: when I send in a story that I think is good enough to publish, does someone who is an editor at one of those journals think it's junk immediately, junk after 5 pages, think it's good but not good enough, think it's very nearly good enough, or think it's good enough but they just don't have enough spots to publish it? Why am I not getting published?
I'm going to just post his two-page reply (not the line-by-line edits) and my reply back to him. I doubt he read my reply. ((Update: Obviously, he did, because he responded and we talked back and forth for a while. I did a review of his chapbook. Nice guy.)) I don't think I was really supposed to reply, even though he said I should. I might have been too whiny-douchy-wounded bad writer in a beginner workshop with him. I considered not sending my reply, but then I thought, "fuck it, it's my dime." What should you know? The story he's talking about is about an under-achieving blues drummer named Steve, who still is attached to his ex Evy who gave him herpes, even though now he's with Maria, who's pretty awesome. Blake's two pages here:
Thanks for sharing this story with me. And congrats on getting a draft of this story completed. I will say right out that my critique, both this letter and my comments in the margins of your story, approaches the story from the direction of technique, as opposed to some larger thematic or emotional response. I believe, following Henry James, that it is “execution [which] belongs to the author alone; it is what is most personal to him, and we measure him by that.” So I am thinking here about how the execution of “Infection” might be sharpened; that is the end towards which my suggestions go.
Let me first say, Jacob, that this is a good first draft. I really enjoyed a lot of the writing, particularly in the second half of the story, when the emotion of the story is finally sparked by the way you let the reader access Steve’s inner life, letting us truly in for the first time. The second half of the story is also where your voice shines. If you read the second half of “Infection” you’ll notice a rhythm and a poetry to the sentences that is mostly absent in the first half. The first 10 or so pages and the final 10 or so pages are simply two different halves. The second half is where your powers of literary description are the brightest, and you’re using language in really wonderful ways to bring the setting and emotion to life (and also the backstory, and here I’m thinking about Evy, the way she left her mark on Steve, and wonderful all of that would have been to know in the first few pages of the story).
So hear me when I say there is a lot to admire here, Jacob. But also hear me say that the thing you’ll be working against as you revise is the imbalance between the overly thin first half of the story when compared to the much stronger second half. In general, you’ve got a workable cast of characters here—Steve, Maria, Evy, Bennie, Toga, and the rest of the band—and an outer story (the Point A to Point B) that moves quickly from start to finish. You have all of the elements that make for a really great first draft, which at heart is a story that is ready to be revised into a polished piece of writing capable of publication.
So where should you start? This piece is all about character. Steve. Maria. Evy. And even a few of the bandmates. A lot of imagination went into writing this story, of course, and I know you can get even closer to the beating heart of it with more character, scene, setting, and overall world-building description. On balance the writing is too thin, especially in the first half of the story. It floats too much. The characters aren’t fleshed out enough and the setting drifts off the page, but the good news is that the scaffolding is already in place to construct everything that is lacking in this draft. You just have to write into the place markers you’ve already left for yourself.
If you look at my comments in the margins of your story, you’ll see that most of the stuff I was asking of the story in the first half appears in the second half (which is too late). The problem here is you need to front load “Infection” with all of the telling details you layer into the final 10 pages of the story. Most readers, and certainly most editors, won’t get to the second half of the story if the first half is found wanting, as it is here. You’re a talented writer, and your greatest powers of description in this story are on display in the last 10 pages, and, if you had to choose, it should be the other way around (though the goal is to have all 21 pages as strong as they can possibly be, ridding them of any imbalance).
I don’t want to belabor this, but I kinda do, because this is where you’ll find the most help as you revise and are looking for things you did well. The final 10 pages are where you start to give us more backstory, more character, and more setting. And, more importantly, where you answer the burning questions I had about Evy, Steve, Maria, and what is truly at stake for them. However, in a short story you can’t take 10 of the first 20 pages to warm up, to get into the story. You need to hit the ground running in a short story, because often times a short story reader doesn’t have the same patience as someone reading a novel. There is no benefit to holding onto and/or stashing detail near the end of your story. The reader needs all of that good stuff to inform (and affect) everything that follows the opening hook. Striking a better balance with respect to this is going to take some work, but I know you can do it.
I’m going to hammer this point because the thing is, after reading “Infection,” I really wanted to know, see, and feel this world more, in addition to wanting to really know who your characters were (what makes them 1 of 1) and to understand fully what world they inhabit (and how it affects them). All of this will attend to and illuminate their inner stories, bring them to life fully on the page. And because “Infection” hinges on who your characters truly are, I think the first place you should start is at the character level. By default, knowing who your characters are will open up the rest of the world (the setting, for example). This will help you clear a lot of things up. I kept asking myself: into what lives have I, as a reader, come? I wanted to know Steve and Maria at a much deeper level by the time I got to that really wonderful final line, to be able to value what it is that makes them come together romantically. After all, this is a story that wants to tackle big themes: money, class, art, charity, love, regret, and a host of others. You have the writing talent to juggle all of these things, but they won’t come together if you don’t access them through strong characterization in every paragraph.
We want more of Steve in the next draft: Who is he? What does he have to lose in this story? What does he want? What kind of life has Maria interrupted? Right now Steve is a passive actor in these pages, letting the story happen to him. Maria comes to him, he loses the roof over his head, and he is dealing with a romantic past that haunts him, and yet there is little charge to how he reacts to these stressors, at least not until he leaves the stage mid-gig near the end (and by then it is too late to activate him in the story because it is racing toward its conclusion). By activating Steve’s backstory (which appears too late in this draft) and giving him more agency in the present action of the story (the relationship he is in with Maria and how Evy haunts him) he will rise to life on the page.
We also want to talk about the timeline (which also gets at the story arc). This draft moves a little too fast and tries to get from Point A to Point B too quickly. You need to think about pacing as you revise. The level of detail and threads per inch from scene to scene need to increase (read: add more detail). There is a lot of vague build up in the first half of the story and then a flash of activity in the final pages as you race to the finish. I’d like to see you slow down, Jacob, and really develop the scenes, the setting, and attend to the timeline. You can answer simple questions such as how much time elapses in the present action of the story. You go from specific time in the first third, to general time in the middle third, and back to specific time in the final third of the story. But I’m not sure how much time elapses or how the events of the present action of the story cast a shadow into the future, and my sense is that Steve and Maria are different people at the end of this story.
Okay, I know that is a lot to take in, Jacob. I hope my comments help you uncover some instincts you were already attending to in your work. There are of course a lot of comments that address specific sections of your story within the document itself. This letter, of course, can be the start of a larger discussion about this story if you like. I’m happy to clarify any of my comments so that your revision of this story is something you are confident sending out at some point in the future. At any rate, let me know and we’ll set up a time to talk. Thanks for a fun read. I wish you all the best, and happy writing!
Now, my reply:
Thanks for the feedback. Although you offered to make this part of a dialogue, and invited me to reply, my commerce sense is tingling: I don't think I paid for dialogue. That is, I thought my 130 bucks got me one two-page reply and a line-by-line edit. So I'm kind of wondering if you're saying "If you'd like to upgrade to the 'We Can Talk Back and Forth for a While" plan, just add another five hundred dollars!" In which case, sorry, but I can't. I've already wasted more time and money on my dilettantism than is fitting.
In the off chance that you were just being nice and wanted to hear what I thought of your feedback, my reply is below. I've tried to be brief in case a reply implies consent to pay for the upgrade and you charge by the word:
I definitely considered giving the reader more of a reason to understand why Maria liked Steve. (I gave an explicit, authorial intrusion for why Steve likes Maria: he enjoys seeing what it's like to have someone think you are more than you are.) I decided not to. One of the few short stories of the many I have read in the last few years that actually stayed with me was Kelly Link's "The Summer People." Edith Pearlman astutely said of this story that it "dispenses with that sine qua non of realism, motivation...'Who knows what makes any of us do what we do?' the poet Amy Clampitt bravely wrote--an insight that writing workshops might keep in mind." Maria loves Steve because she does.
You read pretty carefully, and picked up on a few errata. Maria can't be both plump and thin. I'll make her boxy and strong throughout. I had in mind a woman who lifts weights instead of doing cardio. Overall, I'll take about half of what you said and use it for a re-write. Thanks.
I'd ask one thing of you to keep in mind for future editing: don't ever say "good first draft." My Facebook posts aren't first drafts. I edited this a lot before I sent it to you. I meant what I said: for all its flaws, I think this work belongs in a decent literary journal.
You chose to separate theme from craft; fine. Unfortunately, I think too many journals do the same thing. The result is that I seem to read an endless stream of well-crafted stories that put little thought into theme. Even the way you talked about theme reveals something. You said "you're dealing with a lot of themes here: love, art, poverty, etc." Love is a subject, or an idea. It's not a theme. How you feel about love is a theme. I know it's common to talk about ideas as themes nowadays, but it's not really correct. And it shows why I read so much fiction and like so little of it. Theme is an afterthought. Writers are just focused on creating realistic and engaging characters with motivations that are thwarted and then making them react until they come to the great moment. They either begin with an image or a character. I usually start with an idea or a plot. I know that's heresy, but I do. Moby Dick has errors all over it. Melville forgot what the Pequod looked like in an early scene when he described it later. Queequeg all but disappears halfway through the book. But it's the best book I've ever read, because it's full of truth.
Everything I read has flaws. So does my work. I feel that its thematic strength makes it stand, in spite of its flaws. This is a long diatribe of self-justification, of which I'm sure you get many. You did point out a lot of ways to improve my writing, and I thank you for that.
Long after the fact update: Overall, I think this is probably worth the money. If you're like me, and you're skeptical of the general literary tastes of the age, you're likely to hear some things that irritate you, but all told, it's much cheaper than graduate school, and gives you feedback at least as good--as possibly better--than what you'll get in an M.F.A. program. By the way, since I've mostly given up on trying to publish my stories, I went ahead and just shared the short story I sent in for critique here.